Oh sweet bliss

I may feel sick and have insomnia like mad but I'm in a blissful state. My hubby is being amazing support.  I just adore that man and his five year plan. He had his promotion board Tuesday.  They already signed off so my baby shall be tech Sargent soon :) so proud.  He told me last night he has be bragging about Logan and I (unlike him) definitely notice a difference. No 6 more wks of this flu feeling?  Um I can hack it :)

One way

One way relationships stink.
I'm a busy lady but I still make time to make it.known I care about those I love. Eventually it feels in vain when it's not returned.  Makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I'm just tired of loosing people. I know God is with me though and I.have so much to be grateful for. So many who, even if they are busy make it known they care. I try not to be selfish and consider all aspect of others life but when it feels directed soley at you. It makes you wonder why even waste the effort.

The sweetest reminder

Sitting on my deck last night I allowed myself to drift back in time.  The setting reminded me of a time so many years ago when I attended youth conferences in Texas. Every single night we would go to the tennis courts and lay there staring at the sky praying or reflecting on ourselves all the while listening to music.  They called it vespers.  I loved that time so much that when I went home I continued the practice on my own. The neighborhood boys and I would lay on my front lawn and pray. Last night I remembered all of this. I then to reflect on where that girl went. I was sad to realize where I've let myself land. I've promised myself never again and until I'm where I belong I will spend my days trying to live life as I was.intended to and to remember to always put God's plan before my own selfishness.

Ridiculous

It has been so crazy lately.  I just realized things that happened only two weeks ago feel as if they happened months ago. I'm used time.sweeping by yet the last few weeks feel like blur. A slight recap maybe?
hmmm welp girls are crazy. I still hate drama. I've had to fight the urge in recent weeks to not be callus.  I've instead prayed and pretty much stood my ground. 
Tony's Gma died two weeks ago so we spent 36 hours in stunning Amarillo tx. Got to see is brother and sister .... his sis is pregnant. And Jesse is moving to Wichita in June.  He.will be living with us.
I'm still not pregnant and trying not to care.

Last weekend was the.conference in kc. So much fun. Tony got his award and I'm so proud. 

Logan is changing every single day. I'm in awe of him. He is the best part of life!
The house is coming along.  House warming will finally happen in may. The Madison house is ready for rent. They move in may 15th.
3 more weeks of work then it's summer vacation wahoo! And now you're caught up!

All these things that I have done...

Well I felt horrible again today....Sick of the all day sickness feeling....One thing about clomid I have never enjoyed it makes my body act like it's already pregnant *annoying*.
This week has been another off one. It really was better just sadness had to happen and that sucks.
Work is amazing as always. I am being offered a position after work to hang out with one of our older kids. Mainly take him to teen night, and do fun stuff with him. Since he has such a special issue and only a select few can deal with him. His parents asked that one of his current Para's be asked first. So I was asked. I have said yes. This student his my biggest problem, yet my favorite too. I am really excited for this chance. I am really feeling good about my job. I am going to be in control of the class for summer school and in January I will be taking the test for sub status so I will be the sub for Jenna always. Which is good for our kids. They hate change and when a stranger comes into our room forget about it. It's a bad day.

The move has gone so well. House is all together. I just need curtains and to get Logan furniture for his room, which at this time is serving as a play room and he is sleeping it what will be the babies room.

School is good. I love college. I think I wanna always take classes =)

Friends are amazing. What they will do for myself, and family warms my soul. I am blessed.

Family is great as well. Hosting my first East Dinner SUnday...15 are going to dine at my home. Oh boy the pressure is on.

Frustration

I feel people need to think outside the box. I'm so sad for my friend.
I don't get it I'm not a threat at all. I love my husband and family.
I'm in my life but yes I'm close to my certain group and have been for decades.  I'm just so frustrated that this stuff has to keep happening! I just needed proof that it would be grown up and safe for my family to be.around. I don't need drama ugh this makes me sad :( then again I suppose if you have never had good friendships you couldn't undestand the extent you go. I just hope it's growing experience and life continues to bless us all.

I've learned

It's hard to live like Jesus.  It's hard to have faith in something you cannot see. But doing those things will bring you many blessing.  Material possessions matter not. Especially when they dont follow you after this world.  A soul mate is the person God made just for you. Life will always be less then par when you are away from them.

The most perfect song ever

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will

March

This month starts with my dad's bday. Two days later marks the day I finally relented and went on my very first date with Anthony; 6 years wow.
Then in the most painful, and numbing anniversary. The loss of my mother. 2 years. Since they showed up at my house to tell me my mom was in the hospital that early March morning two years since I had to make the most adult decisions to date. Maybe too soon even definitely horrible while pregnant.  I wish it was just one day of pain. Then I'm fine but the entire week from the moment I first saw her laying there lifeless to the moments before I last saw her and begged her to wake up for myself and child,  for my sweet sister. The whole week just sucked. And for some reason most likely the clomid. I'm really struggling this year. Maybe jaci was right the first year is sill disbelief.  The second year is acceptance that she Really is gone. Ill never hug her or be able to say all I needed to say. And okay I get ill see her again. But the pain is still present now and peace is all I want right now. Hopefully with God's grace I can pull it together and make it through the coming week.

Dang it!!

I am awake and I need to be up by 6am.... going to be a lovely day or not. Hopefully the students are calmer then today. Weather change can have alk sorts of fun on them. Super tired but I can't stop thinking about the redemption series I've been addicted to reading.  Its truly amazing writing . Definitely has been inspiring to me. Love a good Christian book I must say. In any case I need to sleep. Hopefully it happens soon.

Jeremiah 17:9

"The heart is more deceitful than all else, and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment."
I could not agree more with this. I know I have one to do this. I know I have really stopped and asked finally what it is God wants for me vs what "feels good." I have had to make some pretty hard choices and face truths I never wanted to, but it wasn't so scary and it has made me feel at peace. I think if more people could just stop trying to be selfish and do the right thing, maybe the world wouldn't suck so bad.

My home

Well everything went great with the home inspection.  Only a few things needed to be sorted out but it seems its ours in about a month.  We will close right after our trip to Dallas!  It's crazy how fast it all happened but there were literally only 15 houses in our price range so it made it easier. Excited to live in a smaller down and be right by the school. Very excited about moving!  Won't be long now. Hopefully ill be announcing more good news next month ;)

Big things

Tomorrow is the inspection of what we hope to be our new family home. I'm beyond excited for this new chapter in our lives. Its the perfect home. The kitchen is by far the favorite part for me. And it's in the district we want to live in. I want to be closer to work and Andover is small and quiet. Very excited of the possibilities! Fingers crossed all goes well. In other news I go to the doctor tomorrow afternoon to go back on fertility meds so we can have our second,  and finale baby. I'm so very excited.  Tony is as well. He talks non stop about our little darling to be.  It's a good feeling to see him so excited about what is to come. Things have definitely be great there. We are about to do the love dare and I'm excited for that. Feeling much more connected these days and have been feeling God in my life. As well as in my marriage and it's an answer to my prayers. Very happy indeed. Work is amazing. Life is just good lately.

Love

My sister reminded me of this verse last night. I have read it over and over. It really has new meaning to me all of a sudden like she said it would. I am thankful to her for always standing by me and honestly helping me choose right.


1 Corinthians 13:4

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I understand

My faith was tested to it's very core yesterday. I now know really who I am when it comes to my faith, my ability to forgive and overcome. I know many would say my faith has been tested more then a lot of people. I am not angry, or asking why me? I am saying to myself "Thank you for finally everything falling into place." I have been every single emotion you can think of in the past. In the last few weeks I have reached a state of clam... Tonight I am at peace with my with my past, present, and future. Life has happened. I have ignored God for so long. Yet somehow I am able to sit here now so calm, and hopeful. No worries, no fears. It all makes sense. Honesty is hard, knowing you may very well hurt the person you love the most is scary. I would even say it could cause a crumble affect. If you can't be honest then the whole foundation falls to pieces. This is true in any realtionship. Sometimes we think we are protecting the person, when in truth we are causing more harm then we can ever know. I have been the both ends of this and it's all so clear now. To be vulnerable, put myself out there and allow love was always my downfall. I am by nature better to my own terms of life, my own way of doing things and not being told I'm wrong. I never thought I'd marry or have kids. Here I am today. Dedicated to the core. My faith has been shaken many times. I have asked why, and what's this all worth. I know now. In the moment the words were spoken I knew. It was if something bigger went through me and I realized how blind I had been to the bigger picture. I am a women of faith. It's gotten me through the worst times. Yet I don't practice it when it comes to certain situations. That isn't right. It's a constant thing, not a situational thing. I have abused that. I am sorry for that. I sit here tonight and I feel better then I have in 5 long years. I have the faith that with all that has been said, all that is going on has happeend for a reason. God knows me, I know me. I am strong. I am not one to back down. I have strong morals that I have allowed to be skewed by my own selfish desires. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to those who I love, and it's not fair who I am. I now know how deep my love goes. I know how much finding my own faith, having the ability to take my time in lifes big choices has helped me handle such stressful, trying times in my own life. Most people maybe would have said screw it by now. I kept faith, and hope. It I believe has paid off. I know there is much ground to gain. The one thing I needed, the one thing I wouldn't force was said without prompt or force. No threats, nothing but silence and listening on my end. I have opened my heart, mind and soul. I am praying for direction and continued peace. I know God is on my side. I know finally without a doubt my faith is restored and I am back on track.

It must be me

Maybe this is a flaw my ability to be blunt, direct, and most of all honest. I tend to get very upset when others say one thing and do another. I get even more mad when they tell me they were trying to spare feelings. It hurts worse to be lied to, and to find out the truth then to just be up front. I am over this kind of thing. I think it's good to stand up for yourself. I believe you should never just let someone else call the shots of how it's going to be. I believe it's okay to hurt sometimes and to be hurt. My life, my loss, the things in life I have had to deal with do not define me nor will they ever. I am who I am. I have little time for drama. I have little time for games. I put up with being lied to, I have put up with not knowing the truth. I know better now and I am where I am. I can't stand excuses for bad behavior. If we go by that I should be one hot mess, but I am not... I think you should own who you are and be proud even if you've messed up occasionally. Weare human after all and life is one big lesson.   I've made excuses for a long time for others and I refuse to do so now. I guess if I am alone here then ok I don't tend to care. I have been through too much in 29 years to worry about others and what they think. I am not one who has issues letting go, I am not one who is scared to say goodbye. I pretty much know being a follower of Christ that it's a given one day any way.

Normalcy

I've been down for a week what fun!  I am still have some issues with where they cut but definitely on the mend. Seriously glad I'm taking quarter classes this semester or id of missed a lot already.  I'm going back to my wonderful job tomorrow really happy missing my students.  They made me a card and are ready for me to come back. Logan finally got to come home last night and though challenging its bliss. He wants to cuddle and talk and show me things. He laughs all the time its a joy to have such a happy little boy. Libby and Jimmy are home too so that's been making me happy. Friday my boss, cera (co-worker) came over along with Libby and we had a cocktail night. Cera was supposed to be getting married but canceled in December he sucks its for the best but we had a nice time.  I learned how to make an amazing drink I plan to make for my cassie its her kinda thing. I only had one and then stuck to non alcoholic frozen drinks. Its neat though my job has brought me some caring friends and I really like them. Jenna is also a great mentor for me with my give career choice.  Tony comes home Tuesday afternoon excited for that he bought me bday clothes apparently :)  really excited about our trip in March too. Steph and Bobby are amazing I would of been lost without them this last week they are a blessing.  My bestie sent me the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen and I've really felt the love.  I also got some vert sweet gifts from a few other dear ones and best of all support.  I'm feeling much better and I know its up from here I'm thankful for all the loving people who are in my life. Its a blessing to me. Its kept my mood in check for sure.

Low

Surgery was yesterday.  I feel awful. I've been trying to get up and walk and work out the gas they pumped into me. Today is more internal pain. It also isn't helping I'm feeling depressed.  I dont know why.  Maybe its turning another year older and not having my lovr with me. I feel very low. Thankful for steph and Bobby.  Cera is coming over tomorrow to cheer me up. Then dinner with dana and then out to the rancg where ill be till I'm feeling better. I keep crying on and off and I can't figure out how to stop it. I hatr crying. I hate feeling let down and I hate feeling alone. Ugh I just need to let go and trust God. Hopefully ill feel better soon.

Anxiety

Today was a high axiety day for me. Trying to get things in place before Friday. I had a few freak out moments. Thank Goodness for good friends. I don't know what I'd do without their orders when I am in this kind of mood. Okay so yes I am stressed. My reasons. Well Friday I go under... Logan will be with his Nonna which is good, but also sad for me. Tony leaves for Hawaii on Sunday (my 29th bday) and two days after my surgery. YAY lol. What I am upset about is not having the boys around and be all alone. =( I am told I will not be left alone though lol. My friends have made it clear they will be around helping me out. Steph has said she will bring Logan over to be with me. So I need to just to as I am told and relax. Thank you to my wonderful friends. I love you guys so much.

Well i thought i was in pain!

Well I was pregnant for 8 months (before that on hormones to get pregnant.) Then I breast fed for a while ... then went on birth control immediately at my six week check. It's been over two years and I am coming off hormone type drugs and holy crap!!!!!!  See I had been experience pain since March and it sucked and hurt, made me sick sometimes!  But hormone free pain is about as bad as contractions were. I can barely think let alone eat. My doc did warn me of this. He felt that birth control may have been keeping the worse symptoms at bay. He was not mistaken one bit. I'm so grateful my surgery is in ten days. I'm so hopeful this will help ease things until I'm ready for my second,  and final baby. Just needed to vent. I've been trying to pretend I'm okay but the Hubs picked up on how severe my discomfort has become. He too is glad surgery is coming! We are just ready for me to be 100% its pretty hard to not be ablr to lift your own child without pain. Prayers for the next ten days to swiftly move by!!!