I understand

My faith was tested to it's very core yesterday. I now know really who I am when it comes to my faith, my ability to forgive and overcome. I know many would say my faith has been tested more then a lot of people. I am not angry, or asking why me? I am saying to myself "Thank you for finally everything falling into place." I have been every single emotion you can think of in the past. In the last few weeks I have reached a state of clam... Tonight I am at peace with my with my past, present, and future. Life has happened. I have ignored God for so long. Yet somehow I am able to sit here now so calm, and hopeful. No worries, no fears. It all makes sense. Honesty is hard, knowing you may very well hurt the person you love the most is scary. I would even say it could cause a crumble affect. If you can't be honest then the whole foundation falls to pieces. This is true in any realtionship. Sometimes we think we are protecting the person, when in truth we are causing more harm then we can ever know. I have been the both ends of this and it's all so clear now. To be vulnerable, put myself out there and allow love was always my downfall. I am by nature better to my own terms of life, my own way of doing things and not being told I'm wrong. I never thought I'd marry or have kids. Here I am today. Dedicated to the core. My faith has been shaken many times. I have asked why, and what's this all worth. I know now. In the moment the words were spoken I knew. It was if something bigger went through me and I realized how blind I had been to the bigger picture. I am a women of faith. It's gotten me through the worst times. Yet I don't practice it when it comes to certain situations. That isn't right. It's a constant thing, not a situational thing. I have abused that. I am sorry for that. I sit here tonight and I feel better then I have in 5 long years. I have the faith that with all that has been said, all that is going on has happeend for a reason. God knows me, I know me. I am strong. I am not one to back down. I have strong morals that I have allowed to be skewed by my own selfish desires. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to those who I love, and it's not fair who I am. I now know how deep my love goes. I know how much finding my own faith, having the ability to take my time in lifes big choices has helped me handle such stressful, trying times in my own life. Most people maybe would have said screw it by now. I kept faith, and hope. It I believe has paid off. I know there is much ground to gain. The one thing I needed, the one thing I wouldn't force was said without prompt or force. No threats, nothing but silence and listening on my end. I have opened my heart, mind and soul. I am praying for direction and continued peace. I know God is on my side. I know finally without a doubt my faith is restored and I am back on track.