It must be me

Maybe this is a flaw my ability to be blunt, direct, and most of all honest. I tend to get very upset when others say one thing and do another. I get even more mad when they tell me they were trying to spare feelings. It hurts worse to be lied to, and to find out the truth then to just be up front. I am over this kind of thing. I think it's good to stand up for yourself. I believe you should never just let someone else call the shots of how it's going to be. I believe it's okay to hurt sometimes and to be hurt. My life, my loss, the things in life I have had to deal with do not define me nor will they ever. I am who I am. I have little time for drama. I have little time for games. I put up with being lied to, I have put up with not knowing the truth. I know better now and I am where I am. I can't stand excuses for bad behavior. If we go by that I should be one hot mess, but I am not... I think you should own who you are and be proud even if you've messed up occasionally. Weare human after all and life is one big lesson.   I've made excuses for a long time for others and I refuse to do so now. I guess if I am alone here then ok I don't tend to care. I have been through too much in 29 years to worry about others and what they think. I am not one who has issues letting go, I am not one who is scared to say goodbye. I pretty much know being a follower of Christ that it's a given one day any way.

Normalcy

I've been down for a week what fun!  I am still have some issues with where they cut but definitely on the mend. Seriously glad I'm taking quarter classes this semester or id of missed a lot already.  I'm going back to my wonderful job tomorrow really happy missing my students.  They made me a card and are ready for me to come back. Logan finally got to come home last night and though challenging its bliss. He wants to cuddle and talk and show me things. He laughs all the time its a joy to have such a happy little boy. Libby and Jimmy are home too so that's been making me happy. Friday my boss, cera (co-worker) came over along with Libby and we had a cocktail night. Cera was supposed to be getting married but canceled in December he sucks its for the best but we had a nice time.  I learned how to make an amazing drink I plan to make for my cassie its her kinda thing. I only had one and then stuck to non alcoholic frozen drinks. Its neat though my job has brought me some caring friends and I really like them. Jenna is also a great mentor for me with my give career choice.  Tony comes home Tuesday afternoon excited for that he bought me bday clothes apparently :)  really excited about our trip in March too. Steph and Bobby are amazing I would of been lost without them this last week they are a blessing.  My bestie sent me the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen and I've really felt the love.  I also got some vert sweet gifts from a few other dear ones and best of all support.  I'm feeling much better and I know its up from here I'm thankful for all the loving people who are in my life. Its a blessing to me. Its kept my mood in check for sure.

Low

Surgery was yesterday.  I feel awful. I've been trying to get up and walk and work out the gas they pumped into me. Today is more internal pain. It also isn't helping I'm feeling depressed.  I dont know why.  Maybe its turning another year older and not having my lovr with me. I feel very low. Thankful for steph and Bobby.  Cera is coming over tomorrow to cheer me up. Then dinner with dana and then out to the rancg where ill be till I'm feeling better. I keep crying on and off and I can't figure out how to stop it. I hatr crying. I hate feeling let down and I hate feeling alone. Ugh I just need to let go and trust God. Hopefully ill feel better soon.

Anxiety

Today was a high axiety day for me. Trying to get things in place before Friday. I had a few freak out moments. Thank Goodness for good friends. I don't know what I'd do without their orders when I am in this kind of mood. Okay so yes I am stressed. My reasons. Well Friday I go under... Logan will be with his Nonna which is good, but also sad for me. Tony leaves for Hawaii on Sunday (my 29th bday) and two days after my surgery. YAY lol. What I am upset about is not having the boys around and be all alone. =( I am told I will not be left alone though lol. My friends have made it clear they will be around helping me out. Steph has said she will bring Logan over to be with me. So I need to just to as I am told and relax. Thank you to my wonderful friends. I love you guys so much.

Well i thought i was in pain!

Well I was pregnant for 8 months (before that on hormones to get pregnant.) Then I breast fed for a while ... then went on birth control immediately at my six week check. It's been over two years and I am coming off hormone type drugs and holy crap!!!!!!  See I had been experience pain since March and it sucked and hurt, made me sick sometimes!  But hormone free pain is about as bad as contractions were. I can barely think let alone eat. My doc did warn me of this. He felt that birth control may have been keeping the worse symptoms at bay. He was not mistaken one bit. I'm so grateful my surgery is in ten days. I'm so hopeful this will help ease things until I'm ready for my second,  and final baby. Just needed to vent. I've been trying to pretend I'm okay but the Hubs picked up on how severe my discomfort has become. He too is glad surgery is coming! We are just ready for me to be 100% its pretty hard to not be ablr to lift your own child without pain. Prayers for the next ten days to swiftly move by!!!